All posts by Morgain McGovern

About Morgain McGovern

The Traveling Roadshow Of The Countess Maritsa is a book & rock opera about about growing up on the road with my International gypsy con-artist mother and three sisters. We had a van, dogs, some cats and a house chicken.

Open letter to Press And Law Enforcement Regarding Ben Stein The Pedophile


McGovernFamilyArticleBenStein

Me&Mom1984

Here is my public statement regarding my experiences with Ben
 Stein when I was 12 and 13 years old as a child actor and recently trying to
 report him and another sexual assault to law enforcement starting in 2009.

March 25th, 2017 6PM PST

*Update* Two people have come forward to me since I went public.

Any information will be kept confidential and/or I urge all people to go to the police first with whatever information they have about Ben Stein.

Either way I stand with you. I will tell you what my experience has been like dealing with the cops and Feds and press.

I honestly don’t know what the laws are regarding all of this stuff.

If you don’t want to come forward and have had a horrific experience like mine and you see a piece of shit like him on TV and you know who they really are, know you are not alone and all survivors of child sexual assault are with you.

RAINN has resources and also try your local colleges for backup therapy on a sliding scale.

But if it’s 3AM and If it brings up bad memories, I suggest cranking music and singing or writing or try refinishing the kitchen cabinets, do it as loud as you can, it helps.
Thank you,

Morgain

I had a traumatic experience when I was 12 and 13 
years old from 1986-1987 in California and Connecticut with a
 celebrity pedophile who used his status to groom, stalk and exploit me and later on asked me to sleep with him.

He is an economist/political speechwriter/pundit/
journalist named Ben Stein who is currently a correspondent
 with CBS Sunday Morning News.

I would like law enforcement or a children’s advocacy group/
union/SAG to start an investigation of Ben Stein and his
 ongoing predatory, pedophiliac behavior.

I want to make sure that I clarify this in my statement and make 
as clear as possible the urgency of this situation after what I 
discovered recently with photos posted of children overseas
 linked to his Facebook account. I found photos of infants and children. The girls were about 6-10 years old and had a lot of makeup on.

The recently tagged children’s photos of children and 
infants in other countries that link to Ben Stein’s personal Facebook page and
 several articles about a pregnant woman he harassed on
 social media and the internet recently are disturbing and
 have all documented and can upload to you.

This story and situation affects a lot of industries and 
institutions. In my part of this story, we moved a lot and it’s over 
a long period of time. I tried to edit this as clearly as I can and
 cut down as much as possible.

This all started when I started writing and  got a
 literary agent (Jill Marr, at Sandra Dijkstra in Del Mar) and finally reported Ben Stein in
 2014 to Jim Clemente and told him about my experiences with Ben Stein.

I have posted documentation about ongoing Ben Stein’s
 predatory behavior on my Facebook page, Twitter account and personal blog.

I started writing about Ben Stein privately in 2009, but emailed
 a retired FBI agent and former co-worker named Jim Clemente 
in Nov 2014 about my experiences being groomed and stalked 
by Ben Stein when the Bill Cosby story came out.

I came forward to Jim Clemente in 2014 when the Bill
 Cosby story came out because he was an expert in child sex
 crimes and dealing with pedophiles. He told me to file a police report in 2016. I do not remember him telling me to file a police report in 2014.

He recently told me that he is busy and has health issues and cannot help me with this case. After I found out about the Paterno report he did, I don’t want to work with him.

Jim Clemente and I had a falling out because I called him a sellout for writing the Paterno report after I found out about it in March of 2017 and he told me not to contact him again.

I wish him the best in his health and life and still believe that Joe Paterno knew those kids were getting raped and did nothing to stop it.

Also he and Ben Stein both work for CBS so I think there is a conflict of interest.

I also believe I reported this in 1988 to my school in Fairfield, CT in the 8th grade.

I want to protect other child actors and children in the
 entertainment  industry and expose his predatory behavior.

I want to change the way children audition in the entertainment industry,
 and also with the people who immediately surround them in the
 casting process and at all times on set.
I publicly named Ben Stein as a pedophile in January of 2017.
I believe he is still targeting children and/or child actors and he still has predatory behavior due to my recent discoveries online.

Another person came forward to me (via Twitter when I 
went public with his name in January 2017) with their 
experiences with him as well and her account of Ben Stein’s
 stalking of she and her friends.

I believe that he’s a pedophile and/or predator and should be 
evaluated by a professional and/or law enforcement and he and 
his wife should never work with children. Ever.
I believe his predatory behavior and status conferral of the
 media have given him an exploitative advantage over children,
 because of my personal experiences with him

A thorough investigation should be done with the photos I 
discovered online linked to him, his background and his
 employers and colleagues and especially any children or
 children’s shows who have worked with him in the
 entertainment industry.

Ben Stein groomed me, took photos of me at his home and paid 
me $50 with a personal check for them, brought me in for auditions at Universal 
Studios in a quid pro quo situation with the photos, stalked me
 over state lines, sent my mother cash to fly me out alone to
 California, offered me gifts and shopping, and then asked me to 
have sex with him when he was visiting a nearby city when I
 was 12 and 13 years old.

Details and timeline

Sherman Oaks, CA
House on Morrison Street by the
 Galleria 1986
This all took place from about

May-December 1986

We were on the road by Dec 15th from CA to CT because
 on my thirteenth birthday and we stopped in Albuquerque, NM  on 
12/15/86 and my sister bought me a ring from the Indians.

May-June 1986
Sherman Oaks

Los Angeles Herald Tribune Article

Ben Stein wrote two separate articles that were published in the Los Angeles Herald 
Tribune about my mother and our family in 1986  (Articles I can
 email you or at LA Downtown Library on microfilm which is where some of these articles were found) and I have
 documentation and photos I can email you.

There were other adults, my mother’s friend from Balcom Street, Jodie Avery, who was there when he came over.

I think Ben Stein came over once or maybe twice to our house on Morrison Street.
After I met him when he came to our house to interview my
 mother and our family and some of the random people living at 
our house, he offered to help me become a working actor and 
told me he could get me a job on a TV show like Charles in
 Charge.

When I was 12,  Ben Stein brought 
me in to Universal to Al Burton’s office at the bottom of
 Universal Studios.

I thought getting a job as an actor on a TV when I was 12 would help my family out of poverty.

A lot of checks started coming in from people who read the
 articles and thought my mom was a saint for taking care of all 
these unwanted kids.

Checks started coming to our house because he wrote an article about how great my mother was and took care of vulnerable children when in reality she was a con artist and exploited teenage kids to do her scams for her.

My mother knew he was a pedophile and used me as bait to extort money from him.
I was born in Los Angeles, California to a performing family.
 My father was a Broadway actor which is how I became a child 
actor.

Most of my parent’s friends and all people I knew as a
 child and my friends and siblings all went to auditions and were 
performers and/or worked in the entertainment business or arts 
so I have been going to child acting auditions since infancy and
 performing is part of my human fabric.
My mother has borderline personality disorder and was
 frequently arrested. My father was on theatre tours mostly and/
or working or not home and we moved frequently and
 she was in and out of jails (and later prisons).

I have participated in arts and the performing arts since I was an 
infant and later on was represented by a SAG child agent and
 performed in an early Disney kid’s game show in 1983.
My love for acting is how Ben Stein exploited me, in the 
beginning.

There was an enormous amount of dysfunction at my home at 
the time and my mother was frequently arrested and mentally ill
 and also had untreated pill addictions. We moved about every three
 months to a new house or state.

Sometimes we would live in motels or hotels and on stolen credit cards or stolen rental cars.
He only brought me in to audition at Universal Studios after I
 had let him take photos of me at his home in the hills and his 
wife (Alexandra Denman) was home that day and I met her.
  She did not look me in the eye. She was in the kitchen.

My sister Nora and mother came to the “photo shoot” too.

Taking Photos at his house in the hills of Sherman Oaks, CA 
June-July 1986

I think it was June of 1986 when this happened.
He took a special interest in me at the original interview of our
 family at our house on Morrison street with my sisters and my 
mother for the article in the LA Herald Tribune and I told him I
 wanted to be an actress and he said he had a nephew who lived 
back east who was my age and he would think I was pretty.

I
 was my mother’s “golden child” and pet.

He called our house a few weeks or days after the interview and
 told me that he wanted to show his nephew how pretty
 California girls were and wanted to take photos of me by his
 pool at his house.

It might have been after the article came out and the checks were
 coming in and we had groceries and everyone was happy 
because they thought I was going to get on a TV show and save
 the family from poverty.

He requested that I wear a bikini to take the photos but my
 mother said I must wear shorts and and t shirt and he agreed.

My younger sister Nora came too and he did not take photos of
 her because he didn’t think she was “cute” enough.

Ben Stein’s wife, Alexandra Denman, is on the board of the
 California Children’s Law Center and works with vulnerable 
children and she was home the day he took photos of me by the 
pool and paid me $50 with a personal check when I was 12.

After we left, my mother said I should be grateful because my
 sister worked at Solley’s deli and she had to work really hard for
 $50.

I believe A. Denman is complicit with his exploitation of
 children. His wife should not be working with children because
 she was home the day he took photos of me and it was not
 normal behavior of the auditioning process.
Nor is it professional for any producers or directors when 
working with children to ask of kids in bikini’s at their home and 
not in an office.

 

Universal Studios

Auditons

Al Burton’s Office

 

After I let him take photos of me, he then brought me in for 
auditions at Universal Studios to Al Burton’s office and I also 
met his assistant, Steve Stark, and read with him a few times and 
kept in touch with him as an actor over the years.

I think I came in for 2-3 auditions at Universal in Al Burton’s
 office on the first floor at the base of Universal Studios.

They had an outside office patio where Steve Stark took photos of me at the office for casting in one of their T Shirts for a show called “Together We Stand”.

Mr. Stark was really kind and professional and supportive of my 
book later and tried to help me find a platform but to no avail 
and he said they passed on my story in 2005, this was before I
 started writing my book and I have the email correspondence.

We moved about a month after these auditions because my mother got arrested again and she decided it was time to move across the country to Connecticut.

 
2014

 

When I went to Jim Clemente for the first time and 
emailed him on Facebook and he said he’d notify the FBI of
 what I told him. I don’t know why or remember him telling me to go to the police and file a police report ASAP when I originally told him about Ben Stein in Nov 2014.

A year and a half after I told him, in 2016, he told me to file one after I commented on the facebook post of his co-worker, Allison Hope Weiner on social media about my experience with a celebrity pedophile after she did a story about Elijah Wood.

I have written about my experiences online on my blog 
with Ben Stein at first not naming him due to fear, and 
reported him to a retired FBI Agent Jim Clemente in
 November of 2014 when the Bill Cosby story came out and 
asked him to report to the FBI.
I met Jim Clemente when I was a stand in for the character 
Garcia on Criminal Minds for four years from 2007-2011
 and he and Kirsten Vangsness both were supportive and 
gave me a quote for my book and blog after I got a literary
 agent.
I have posted my discoveries of Ben Stein’s predatory behavior and news
articles on my Twitter account as well and have tagged his
 employers at CBS and CBS Sunday morning.

Sherman Oaks, CA to Westport, CT
 House on Greens Farms Road (243)
by ocean inlet (details in original June 2016 statement given to LAPD)
After we moved to Westport, Connecticut in December 1986
 and into 1987 (about two or three months after the Universal
 auditions)  I was a student in the 7th grade at Long Lots middle
 and elementary school in Westport. CT.
He (Ben Stein) contacted my mother via telephone and she spoke to him mostly. I only spoke to him a few times on the phone and the last time in CT is when he asked me to sleep with him.

The last time I spoke to him in Westport, CT sometime in early
 1987 when it was dark early outside and crowded house was on
 the radio station every 5 minutes, is when he called and asked to
 speak with me and told me he was coming back East to NYC 
and asked me to meet him in the city and “sleep” with him when
 I was 13 years old.

I was in the 7th grade at Long Lots Middle
 School.

I believe he used the words “sleep in the same bed and
sleep at my hotel in the city” or something to those words but
basically I was offered a shopping trip and to sleep with him
overnight in his hotel room in the city with him, by myself and
 nobody else.
He asked me on the phone,  when I was in the 7th grade, in Westport CT, with witnesses in the room, to meet 
with him in Manhattan and offered to take me shopping and buy
 me gifts and asked me if I would like to sleep with him 
overnight in his hotel in Manhattan after we went shopping. His intent was clear and he was treating me like I was his girlfriend. I was in the 7th grade and he was in his forties.

 

I was really nervous and told him I’d have to ask my mom.

 

 

1987-1988 We moved from Westport to Fairfield 
Connecticut
 Hoydens Hill Lane or Road by the Black Rock Dam and
Golf Course
 Red Farm House


**REPORTED BEN STEIN TO SCHOOL IN 1988
 TOMLINSON MIDDLE SCHOOL, FAIRFIELD CT**


 

I believe I snapped sometime in Spring 1988 when I was 13-14
in the 8th grade at Tomlinson Middle school when my little 
sister was upset in the 7th grade and I didn’t want to leave our 
farmhouse in CT and my mother couldn’t find a job and I knew
she was going to start conning people again. Weird people
 started living in our yard again.

 


I reported Ben Stein’s stalking behavior to my school in
 Connecticut a year later in 1988 at Tomlinson Middle School in
 Fairfield, CT, because there was so much pain and trauma at 
home and my mother was so dangerous, I went to the guidance
 counselors at the school to tell them everything I knew about my
 mother’s illegal activities, arrests, police, child sexual abuse,
 Ben Stein and the trauma at home.


After I burst into the counselors office and told them everything,
the guidance counselors from Tomlinson middle school took us
  (myself, age 13-14 and my little sister Nora 12-13) Got my little 
sister out of class around 1-3pm and drove us from Fairfield to a
 separate admin school building in Bridgeport, CT and were 
upset at what I had told them and what my little sister Nora had 
confirmed.

I think I told them everything and the counselors and 
psychiatrist tape recorded my Ben Stein story, the grooming,
 photos taken that started in Los Angeles and then we moved to
 Connecticut and he continued to pursue me and sent money to
 my mother and asked me on the phone to meet him in the city
 and spend the night with him in Manhattan after he took me 
shopping.

I believe I originally reported Ben Stein’s harassment in the 8th
 grade but due to the chaos at my home and now believe I had
 some sort of trauma and shock and denial going on at the time,
 we moved a few weeks later up to the woods in the Adirondacks 
and not sure what exactly I told them, but I think I told them everything including Ben Stein.

I remember my mom coming to pick us up at the counselors
 office in Bridgeport and she was supposed to go back but we
 moved right after that. I remember her yelling at me on the ride 
home that it was my fault we had to move again but we were 
already getting evicted from the farmhouse.
He contacted my mother via telephone at the Fairfield house and she spoke to him only at that house.

I only spoke to him a few times on the phone and the last time in CT is when he asked me to sleep with him.

 

I confronted Ben Stein later in California when I was 19  via telephone and he pretended like he didn’t remember me or my family after I met with Al Burton again sometime between 1993-1995 for another actor/producer meeting at his office on Miracle Mile when I was about 19-20 years old and lived in Valencia and was a waitress.
At the meeting on Miracle Mile office, Al Burton gave me Ben Stein’s phone number and told me to call him, I hung up the phone after confronting Ben Stein and that was the last time I spoke to him.

 

Everyone told me to let it go because he was really powerful in Hollywood and later on had his own game show on Comedy Central with Jimmy Kimmel.

 

Everyone told me coming forward about Ben Stein would ruin my acting career and life.

 

May-June 2016-

**June 2016**

June, 2016. At the urging of Allison Hope Weiner and after the phone call with Jim Clemente, I went to the Van Nuys Police station and reported to LAPD and filed a police report about Ben Stein’s child aggravation and exploitation in 1986 and 1987 to Detective
 Brandstetter and Housefelder at the Van Nuys LAPD.

When the Elijah Wood comments last year came out in the 
media I contacted Jim Clemente again after a social media post,
 and asked him if I should go to the police and file a report 
because Alison Hope Weiner (a journalist and lawyer) saw my 
comment on social media about being mentally and spiritual
ly violated by a celebrity pedophile when I was a child actor, she
 and said I needed to go to the police and file a report 
immediately.
So I called Jim and asked him if I needed to and he encouraged 
me to go to the police and tell them what happened. He said if there ever was a trial on another child assault case regarding Ben Stein, I would have to testify about my experience.

I read him my statement and then went in and met with Det. Brandstetter and think I spoke to a Det Housefelder, and they gave me a copy of the police report.

I don’t know why  he didn’t tell me to go originally in 2014 when I told him about Ben Stein, I don’t think he is a bad person, Jim Clemente, I think he was busy and I have a really chaotic back story and he also gave me a quote for my book.

I don’t remember him telling me to go file a report when I told him in 2014, only that he would tell the FBI about Ben Stein.
At first I was hesitant and fearful to go to the LAPD and file an 
actual report because of the stress, risk to my new business/pet
 hotel, acting, my book, my friends and family, my reputation,
 stress, stress for my family’s reputation and also my personal 
safety dealing with a man of his status and predatory nature
 because he’s someone that stalked a 12 year old girl from a
 vulnerable, dysfunctional family.
I had finally found happiness in my life and pet sitting business
 and but because of what happened to me I knew I had to come 
forward about this horrible man and his behavior due to my
 conscience and what I discovered recently about him.

This year 2017

I have come forward publicly with his name and
 have tried to email all news outlets that he has worked for and
 also his wife is on the board of the California Children’s Law
 Center and works with vulnerable children.

I have emailed Leslie Hemioff and California Children’s Law Center where Alexandra Denman (Ben Stein’s wife) is on the board and have not heard back from them.
My sister Nora and most of my family relatives have recovered 
from growing up in a dysfunctional family, and will confirm
 what I have written and have become reputable characters and
 are productive, kind members of society.

All of us are triumphing over a lot
 of problems and are survivors of enormous trauma of
 growing up in a dysfunctional family.
I own a pet hotel and have a thriving, happy pet sitting business 
and live on an urban farm in LA and have 5 star reviews on Yelp 
for my business, Moon Dogs Urban Farm.

 

March 2017

So far LAPD have done nothing and not responded to my new information regarding the child photos I found tagged overseas, and they said there is nothing they can do for my case because of the statue of limitations.

Jim Clemente and I had a falling out because I called him a sellout for writing the Paterno report after I found out about it in March of 2017 and he told me not to contact him again.

I wish him the best in his health and life and still believe that Joe Paterno knew those kids were getting raped and did nothing to stop it.

The FBI and the state of Connecticut can do something to stop Ben Stein and also open an investigation. They have not responded to my repeated attempts asking for help and guidance.

I have called the FBI twice and updated them. I have not had anyone call me back or give me a case number or any confirmation or even the names of the women I spoke to on the phone at the FBI’s office.

They will not give my any information on anything at all nor have asked to see the photos I’ve found on Facebook linking to Ben Stein’s account which have since been removed since I went public about him.


Connecticut has a 30 year law of some sort of child
 exploitation law of some sort but not sure and it would have to be
 filed this year because it happened in 1986-1987

Please let me know the best way to proceed with this and 
making sure he doesn’t work with children and/or can harm any more kids.

Two people have come forward to me since I went public.
Thank you,

Morgain McGovern

morgainm@yahoo.com

818-259-9346

Justice And A Dictionary


brothers grimm tree girl fairy tale

 

Webster’s Dictionary 1947.
Justice; jus’tis n. (L. justitia, from justus, just.) The quality of being just; justness; propriety; correctness; rightfulness; just treatment; vindication of right; requital of desert; merited reward or punishment.

“Justice is just a word in the dictionary, Morgain.” A lawyer once told me. He continued, “You can go look it up in a dictionary if it makes you feel better.”

The man who molested me and attacked the eight year old girl in front of me when I was six is dead. I am free. Or supposed to be.

The detective in California who is hunting the serial killer told me the man who attacked the eight year old girl in front of me did horrific things to other children. He did terrible things to a lot of people, before and after us.

The other detective got quiet and looked me in the eye and he said, “I believe you.”

He told me he believed me and I started crying in that little room. At forty two, it was the first time I had ever heard anyone tell me that they believed me and that I was doing the right thing. He told me it good thing that I was reporting the attack. It was documented. It happened and I had survived it.

He came back into the little office interview room, the kind you see on Dateline with the weird acoustic polka dots in the walls and handed me a brown paper towel roll, the kind they have at school that cuts your face, to clean up all the tears.

They told me things I intuitively knew, but things I needed to hear that my family refused or was unable to say to me.

The detectives told me he did terrible things before and after us and was a horrible person and as bad as the serial killer they are hunting, he said, but alas, not the same man.

Their stories fit and overlapped each other. They both moved around, they destroyed lives, they attacked people and violated them wherever they went, and they continued to destroy. They did horrific things to people and then they died.

“You let them in your head.” My sister told me. “You weren’t raped.” She said

It was my fault I couldn’t let it go. I let them in my head, it was my fault for not forgetting. I wasn’t a good forgetter. I had a good memory and I remember every horrific thing that happened and the damage that happened.

“Let’s go to Chico’s !!” My aunt said when I told her I wanted to tell the police, just so it was documented and to find out what happened to him and to prevent it from happening to another child. “Nobody will believe the word of a six year old, Morgain.” She said. Then she gave me some Suzanne Somers books.

Some nights I wake up and I feel his hand on my throat, I hold my breath and I am six again.  He’s kneeling by the bed with a flashlight and he looks like Jesus. I’m too scared to move, too scared to breathe, holding my breath so I die so I don’t have to hear the sounds of the eight year old girl being attacked next to me.

He was living in our garage and our mother was in the next room sleeping. He was another drifter my mother had picked up and she already knew he had molested other children, but she needed him to do insurance scams for her. So, it was a tradeoff. He got to attack children and my mom got a proficient henchman.

My aunts lived nearby and visited frequently and they told me when I was an adult that this man terrified them. He terrified me too, but since I was six I couldn’t drive away and go back to my own safe home like they could, I tried to hide in the backseat of their cars when they left so they would take me with them.

Every time my aunt visited our house with her kids, we’d hide with our cousins in the back seat of her car on the floorboards under a blanket and try to go home with her when she was leaving. But she’d learn to check the backseat and halfway back to Aunt Peggy’s house, she’d flip a u turn and we were always marched back up to our own front door, back into the house with the madwoman and the scary pedophile man and whomever else was living with us at the time.

The attack I witnessed changed my view of the world when I was six. Before then, I felt safe when I slept. My cat would sleep on my chest, my sisters and I would snuggle like kittens and fall asleep laughing and whispering, but after the night he came into my bedroom with a flashlight, I never slept well again.

But he is dead. He died two years ago. I am free, or supposed to be.

Mr Oculus


mr oculus photo

Mr Oculus

I was twelve the first time I was sexually trafficked and exploited. It wasn’t in Cambodia or the Philippines or Thailand or Mexico.

  We were in Sherman Oaks, California and there were five people at the house in the Hollywood Hills.  Two of the adults were lawyers from Washington D.C and one is still considered an advocate for exploited children and is on the board of a state sponsored Children’s Law Center.

But she was there helping her speechwriter/actor husband take photos of me when I was twelve so he could add it to his collection.

I still see him on CNN and Fox News, as an economics professional and commentator, and sometimes late at night,  a commercial will flash by of him hawking eye care products.

 

August, 1986

The tower was sleek and black and glistened in the sun and held the dreams and secrets of many children who had been in the lobby before me.

It was a New York skyscraper next to the freeway, a Yankee tower out of place and wearing all black in the summer in Los Angeles.  The courtyard was dark and cool and a perpetual breeze came in and blew through the Cahuenga pass near us.

The tower and studios were built on the side of the old El Camino Real road, on small hills where ghosts of the Spanish missionaries (and before them the Indian tribes who had lived there since the thaw of the last ice age) still tread. Every now and then, artifacts are found at excavation sites and sometimes on a million dollar property remodel, a piece of history will turn up to remind the people of the new villages that the old tribes had been there.

The causeway brought in fresh ocean air from West Los Angeles and then blew into the small pass between the valleys. On the hotter days, the fresh and cool Santa Monica wind met with the dry and burnt chaparral Mediterranean smoke-smog air trying to escape from the San Fernando Valley.

On the top, overlooking the pass, was a glittering neon amusement park and village promenade with air-conditioned theatres and shops. Arcades and videos and restaurants beamed down below like a proud electric stage mother holding her hostage to fortune.

The slope of the freeway connected Burbank and the Valley and then lowered down as it made its way south and parts of it split off east to Los Feliz and westward it went to other parts and then merged on to old bumpy side roads near the natural amphitheater of the Hollywood Bowl and finally, it turned into the streets in the city of Hollywood.

I looked up at the sleek facade of the high black tower and then up to the sky.

The black doors of the building’s belly opened and above, the sky was a bright, bright denim amusement park blue and shone on the gleaming city on the mountaintop but couldn’t cut through the dark shadow the building threw over the fun park entrance.

Right before we went in to the black doors, the building seem to breathe us in deep and smell us.

I knew he would be in there.

Then we walked inside.

 

Quotes and endorsements from good people.


Endorsement Page

“Funny and heart breaking. The Travelling Roadshow Of The Countess Maritsa is a strangely relatable story for those of us who grew up in weird families. I loved it.”– Kirsten Vangsness ( “Garcia” on Criminal Minds) Actress. 

“Morgain has traveled the world, lived the craziest life and made it out alive and sane… Not many can say the same. It was truly my pleasure to welcome you into my home in Paris. We were young and we had fun, except for the theft :). I always wondered what happened to you and your Mother. I am so happy to know that you grew into such a great woman and a brilliant writer. Thanks for the memories.” – Liskula Cohen

A Facebook Memory Popped Up


morgain and nora hilton head 1990

Webster’s Dictionary 1947.
Justice; jus’tis n. (L. justitia, from justus, just.) The quality of being just; justness; propriety; correctness; rightfulness; just treatment; vindication of right; requital of desert; merited reward or punishment.

This picture was taken right before everything went from bad to horrific.

If I could tell myself anything in this picture, it would be to run far from my family and never look back. I would tell that sweet 16 year old girl who worked two jobs that summer to run fast and to not look back ever again. To find a new family or some form of family that was safe and who loved her for exactly who she was.

I would tell that sweet 16 year old girl who worked two jobs that summer to save herself 25 more years of grief, scapegoating, gossip and pain from the three adult women in her life who would be the greatest cause of heartache, anger, disillusionment and fear and who caused her the greatest damage.

I would tell that sweet kid that her aunts and her mother would be part of the cause of her mental breakdown in her late 30’s and the cause of the greatest sadness of her life. And I would tell that young girl that her mother only got worse and more dangerous over the years and that she destroyed many more lives and dreams and as many as she could because she enjoyed destroying people and their happiness because she was criminally insane.

There aren’t a lot of pictures of me from when I was a teenager. This picture was taken by a friend from high school who kept it somewhere for the last 26 years. Any pictures I have of me as a child or teenager were given to me my friends or people who kept them over the years.

There aren’t a lot of pictures of us when we were little kids either. My mom was mentally ill and frequently in and out of prison and mental hospitals, so we moved every 3-6 months usually leaving everything behind in a hurry because my mom was wanted by the police so we just split and left everything behind. I have nothing from my childhood and nothing from my teenage years except a Greyhound bus ticket stub from when was 18 and came to Los Angeles.

Mom never took a lot of pictures of us anyway, she was usually in bed in a dark room with 20 bottles of pills next to her bed, so I have no real photos from the past, only bits and pieces of what people have given me over the years or what they shared with me and my sisters on Facebook.

Before this picture was taken, my sisters and I had been homeless living with our mother in various cities and motels ranging from Australia to Los Angeles to Upstate New York and South Carolina. We had been homeless at 13 and 15 when my mother had checked herself into a mental hospital in New York and left us to fend for ourselves a year earlier. Our two older 17 and 19 year old sisters tried to care for us.

I would tell myself to look for happiness elsewhere because no matter how many times I would go back, it would always be the same. They would always accuse me of being my mother and resent me for looking like her and for existing.

At this point in this picture in 1990, I was 16 and working two jobs. We had already lived in three houses in a year on Hilton Head in this picture, and the worst was yet to come. But this summer was fun, when I was off.

My little sister was 14 and after the police started raiding our house shortly after this picture was taken, she moved up north with our older sister and got away from mom. I was the only one delusional enough to believe that Mom was really going to turn things around in England and start a new life.

My Aunt Maggie had already accused me of stealing from her house at this point but I didn’t know it at the time. She didn’t have the courage to ask me or even accuse me outright that something was missing from her house in California when we visited her a year earlier, she did it a cowardly way, they way dysfunctional families operate. With gossip and insinuations and scapegoating behind your back but super friendly to your face.

She had told everyone in the family, except me, that I had stolen a ring from her house but never confronted me or even told me that something was missing. I had no idea. I just remember always wishing she was my mom and that I wished I had a safe bedroom and home to go to like her house.

I didn’t know they had already marked me as bad and that for the next 26 years, the family would dump all of their anger and hatred they had for my mother on my 16 year old shoulders from then on in this picture, and that it had already started and I hadn’t even realized it.

A year later after this picture was taken, when mom went to prison in London and I was starving and homeless in London in 15 degree weather and I called my aunts for help.

They turned me away, asked me where the ring I had stolen from Aunt Maggie was and then left me to fend for myself and deal with their psychotic sister on my own, when they should’ve taken care of this problem 20 years earlier when they had known what a dangerous person she was and how badly her children were being abused. Alone, penniless, homeless, underage and in a foreign country for the next three months. If I could tell myself anything in this picture, it would be to run far from my family and never look back because it would never change.

My Aunt Maggie accused me of stealing from her house again when I was 35 and that’s when I started to realize that my family was dangerous for my health and bad for me spiritually and as a human being. The best thing I’ve ever done is to take necessary legal steps to keep dangerous people with documented histories of mental illness by metal health professionals to keep safe distances from me and my happiness and home.

Over the years running my own business, I’ve created a life for myself working with animals and nature, writing and creating and my life is rewarding and nurturing.

I learned how to put myself first after years of making mistakes. and even though it’s a job where you never get a day off, ever, it’s a job I love doing and it’s incredibly healing.

Being outdoors and nature and trying to disengage from electronics has really helped me overcome having difficulties in life, and I think the more mistakes I make, the more compassion I try to have for others. I think after years of trauma, finding a profession or a job were you have a a steady income is essential for survival and finding areas of my life to enjoy and fun hobbies are necessary for being part of being a human and creating a happy life.

I think I would tell my 16 year old self in this picture that it was going to work out because she was an incredibly resourceful girl who was a hard worker and to pay the food expo guys more to run the food because the hands and wrists give out way too early from waitressing so long. I’d tell myself that I was really proud of her and how hard she came and for how long the road was.

Whenever I’m trying to work on my  most whole and relaxed and confident self, I just remember the warm feelings of love when I’m surrounded by my animals and true friends who support and nurture my spirit.

Learning these things along the way shows you what a bad relationship is; when you’re happier away from them because it’s so painful to be around them.

The put-downs and insults and dysfunction; after awhile it’s not worth the price of your happiness anymore.

Whether it’s with a guy or family members;  I had to learn how to walk away if it doesn’t change. From now now I’m not wasting any more years being mean to myself.

 

 

Garden (for the gun merchants)


Red Apple and Silver Bells. A book of verse for children ... Illustrated by A. B. Woodward

The Child World. [In verse.] ... Illustrated by C. Robinson

Garden

(Song for the gun merchants/Rock Opera)

Kindergardeners
stand at the end of your bed
middle of the night
poverty cycles
Treason & Texans
look in your eyes
its your garden

Throw some seeds
Throw some seeds
Watch it grow
Watch it grow
You reap what you sow
you reap what you sow

Just like Isis
Just like the gun show
Just like the news
Just like your Gods
Just like your slaves
You reap what you sow

kindergardeners and slaves
stand at the end of your bed
middle of the night
Poverty cycles and prisons
look in your eyes
its your garden

Throw some seeds
Throw some seeds
Watch it grow
Watch it grow
you reap what you sow
you reap what you sow

The Travelling Roadshow Of The Countess Maritsa


Erin, Sue (family friend), Katie, Morgain

On The Road- Mt.Shasta 1983

 The Travelling Roadshow Of The Countess Maritsa is a memoir written by Morgain McGovern, who grew up in a gypsy-like family of four rebellious sisters headed by their mother, Maureen, a brilliant con-woman on the run.

 The book starts when I was seventeen, hiding out in a Parisian hotel room with my fugitive mother, who was wanted by the French authorities, British authorities, Interpol and the FBI.

 As I lay in bed watching old “Kojack” reruns in a pill induced haze in our hotel room, I saw my Father’s episode dubbed over in French. The story then melts into our family’s history in  “The Bionic Woman” and against the backdrop of his acting career in 1970’s Los Angeles.

 Some of my earliest memories were stories of trashed movie trailers and tales of adventure with his wild actor friends: John Quade (Clint Eastwood films), Roscoe Lee Brown, Julius Harris, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper and Warren Beatty.

 But after one too many affairs on movie sets and theatre tours, Mom left her womanizing husband & took her four little girls (and a furry menagerie of our animals) on the road in a Winnebago.

 Mom had a Samsonite case full of pills and borderline personality disorder, but her gift was a sharp knack for crime.

mom and paul zindel 1959

Mom and Paul Zindel 1959?

Her story is in some of his books.

   In the “Mad Men” era of the mid-nineteen sixties, New York Herald Tribune journalist Maureen Smith met Don McGovern, a Broadway actor and stage manager (1963-66) of Lincoln Center in the East Village-who also moonlighted as a Mafia henchman.

He taught her everything he learned about crime, and while running a nightclub for a famous mob family in the meat market district, Dad got knifed in an argument with a “made” man- his boss- and the couple knew it was time to hit the road and drive to a new life in California.

At first, it was an ideal family life, having four little girls and living on our ranch in trendy Agoura. Mom’s sisters lived nearby in Los Angeles and provided some stability and guidance. We visited our father’s movie sets and went to studio parties with the glitterati, but the sepia toned memories and happiness were soon fleeting.

My father’s roles (Easy Rider, The Wicked Die Slow, The Bionic Woman, Killer Bees, the Last Detail, Sleeper, Kojack and others) gave him the acclaim he needed, but alcoholism and the lure of other women soon engulfed him.

The Wicked Die Slow 1968

Dad The Wicked Die Slow Psycho Joker

One of his favorite stories was when he and his best friend Mike Whitney (Twiggy’s ex-husband) got drunk at our house in Laurel Canyon and then decided to cement over Ali McGraw’s footprints at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, because they didn’t think she deserved the honor.

Dad, Mom, Lana Saunders, Mike Whitney

About the time Dad & Mike Whitney

cemented over Ali MacGraw‘s footprints at

Graumanns’ Chinese Theatre

                    Caravanning across America, we lived in gorgeous houses in affluent areas then when luck ran out, we crashed in run-down motels across the country & abroad. Rarely staying in one town for more than six months, Mom raised us with artistic ideals, to seek truth and beauty, kindness and compassion.

Mom’s regular form of income was fraud, of all kinds, but she really came alive when she got on the phone- wheeling and dealing, putting deals together with rich people. Some of them were spectacular. She was gifted at real estate and quit claims-because she had the knack of knowing what land was about to be valuable, get the rights to buy it somehow and sell it to whoever really wanted it at a much higher price. She did this with no actual money of her own and it was dazzling. When it was working in her favor, her mind was her greatest asset.

Mom loved big, rambling farmhouses out in the country and my sisters and I would pick wildflowers and plant gardens at whatever new house we lived in, putting down roots in the ground, as if it were some sort of magic spell to make us stay in one place. As I planted, I knew we wouldn’t be there the next spring to see hollyhocks come up-but I left my mark on the earth, I had been there.

Wherever we moved, Mom would invite strange people to live with us.

She’d find them at the DMV or pick up people spare-changing for food outside of the local grocery store. We were a family like Robin Hood, doing the right thing and helping these strange drifters that Mom had found. She told us that it was the kind thing to do, people should help each other. But as I got older, I realized they were her henchmen.

They would live in our guesthouse, attic or basement and fixed things around the property. As time went by, Mom’s choice of house guests would get scruffier and lower on the moral ladder. Drug addicts, dealers, low-lifes, crackers, swamp trash, anti-socials, squatters, whores, trailer trash, junkies, whatever she could find-the dumber, the better. The more affluent ones had their van or trailer they’d been living in towed to our newest property.

They would lights cars on fire, burn things down, return stolen items back to a pricey store (for cash or store credit), stage a robbery or whatever else she could think of to collect the insurance money.

Sometimes, they would get high, drunk or just completely misunderstand Mom’s directions and fuck things up so badly that we’d have to move sooner than anticipated. Most of her vagabond victims would only be around for a few months and the smart ones moved on to roam after they collected their share.

She’d order one of them to roll a dying car with a shot transmission off of a cliff or flood the basement of whatever house we were renting. We would gather up all of our clothes we were sick of, broken electronics (and anything else we didn’t want or feel like packing) and throw it into the dark, smelly lake that used to be our playroom. She told us that the basement had flooded overnight and while it was an unfortunate accident, we could get new stuff this way.

When my oldest sister Meagan was about ten, she got electrocuted when she flipped on the basement light before Mom could warn her. She looked down and realized she was standing in deep, electrified water on the top step but her puffy rubber-soled moon boots saved her from death.

Before we’d leave town and move on to our next new life, our basements morphed into something that looked like the end scene of the movie Titanic, with a shaved head Barbie doll floating face down in the black water, dismembered and abandoned to a watery death.

But when Mom was really upset or nervous, she would set things on fire. Torching rental houses was her signature way of letting the world know that she was angry, horrifying hysterical landlords who wanted their three-month’s of back rent.

My sisters and  I would wave goodbye from the back of the station wagon with our cats and dogs to the bad town that wasn’t right for us. We knew other people led normal lives but Mom told us the new town was going to be better. This town was bad luck.

In some classrooms we’d be popular and never want to leave, in others, we’d be pariahs and didn’t bother with doing our homework. We knew it was only a matter of time before we were on the road again.

After our eighth or ninth school, my sisters and I began to create cover stories to tell our newfound friends. Growing up in chaos created a defiant kind of camaraderie for us. The secrets of our sisterhood banded us together to kept us sane.We began to realize what our Mom was, but we didn’t have the word for it. I told friends that my mom was freelance writer with a gypsy streak. We knew that soon she’d find a real job as a writer, eventually.

Some dogs we stole.

The magic box of pills that also doubled as a seat for me in the front of the van.

Halloween 1982. Kingwood, Texas.

With warrants and detectives trailing us, the bills were paid with insurance fraud, clever scams and bad checks.We wanted to believe our mother- that the next move was permanent and we would settle down, but we all knew better.

Our father called occasionally, and told us he never wanted to be a parent, just an artist in a garret.

Morgain and Mom 1986
Cousin Judy, Morgain, Katie. Moved to Oregon, 1985

Mom’s brilliant mind would come through and save us every once in awhile.

When I was in the 3rd grade, she auditioned and became a contestant on a trivia game show called “Sale Of The Century”. She gave the other contestants a beating, and after a long week of tapings, she  won $75,000 in cash, plus a bunch of prizes and a trip up to Monterrey, California.

Her winnings on the show changed our nomadic lives. For the first time, we went to a school for two years in a row and even though we still took road trips in our custom van up to Oregon, Washington and Idaho; we had a home to go back to in Los Angeles. We had food in the refrigerator and the cops didn’t come by to arrest Mom every few months. It was peaceful.

Things got bad again once the money ran out.  We ended up living in a motel on Sepulveda Boulevard for three months until Mom could think of something. I’ve driven by that motel recently and families are still living there.

Three years later, we were living in a motel in Upstate New York when Mom found out that the game show was hosting a “Return Of The Champions” and wanted her to be a contestant on the show to defend her game show queen title-in Australia.

The show was a huge hit in Australia and the producers were willing to fly her and one other person to Melbourne and put her up in a hotel for at least a week or so. She convinced them to pay for Me and Erin to go, since we were both under fifteen. Mom had warrants out and detectives looking for her in New York-so a trip to Australia to escape certain jail time in New York was an opportunity that Mom couldn’t refuse.

Crocodile Mumdee

When we got to Melbourne, There were about thirty other “champions” from various “Sale Of The Century” shows around the world, mostly Britons, Americans and Australians. I’ve never seen people who loved to drink so much (and for free) in a hotel bar.

All the contestants were shuttled to the studio every day, and the producers would randomly pick the contestants who would be on the show for the day. Everyone would come back by five or six for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres in the lounge. Mom finally had a 9 to 5 job.

Erin and I would take the trolley all around Melbourne and explore. It was brilliant.

It was in the lounge where Mom picked off her prey. Mom liked pills more than the drink, so she would wait it out while the other contestants got drunk and mingled. In 1989, there was no Internet. It was hard to tell if a credit card was stolen and they were run by hand machines and carbon copies. The stores would only phone in a suspiciously large purchase, so it would be weeks before English banks would know anything was up.

Mom’s day to finally be a contestant on the show came-and she didn’t do well at all. She was very sick on the day of the taping and only made about $1700. It was time to go back home to the states.

We tried to look on the bright side, even though she didn’t bring in the kind of money we needed, at least we had gotten a free trip to Australia. We tried to reassure her, the cops from New York were probably looking for somebody else by now.

For a last hurrah, Mom rented a car and drove us to see the fairy penguins march up the beach at dusk, back to burrow in their sand cave homes, all nestled in and warm with their furry families in the cliffs overlooking the Tasmanian sea.

We started to drive the car north, through the Snowy River Forest and then up to ninety mile beach where massive waves  and a blue wall of water could come up slowly or quickly, and if you weren’t paying attention, you’d get soaked sitting 100 feet from the faded water lines.  We were on our way to Sydney-we were going to fly back to the States from there.

After we got back to New York, we crashed at Katie and Meagan’s apartment. My sisters and I couldn’t joke about this anymore, we all started to unravel. We needed a Mom and she was wanted by the police all over New York for various thefts and fraud.

Mom checked herself into fancy mental hospital because she said that the cops can’t arrest you if you’re a patient. The four of us were on our own until she could figure something out. She was there for a few weeks when the cops found her and it was a matter of time before they figured out a loophole in the mental patient protection law. Mom checked herself out and announced that we were moving to Hilton Head Island, in South Carolina. Tomorrow.

Rich people from Ohio, New York and Connecticut usually go to the Carolinas for a vacation and expect to find golf, warm weather and Margaritaville. They’d have someone safe watch their kids at the hotel so they could go out and party.

Mom was waiting for them like a grandma spider nanny in a beautiful  hotel. After the kids came back from swimming, tennis or golf lessons, Mom would put them to bed and help herself to whatever cash or jewelry she didn’t think the parents would miss. Most of the time, they hadn’t realized they’d been robbed until they got back to their northern homeland and sobered up.

Mom had a way of making sure she only robbed super rich people who on their last day of vacation and were leaving early for the next flight back home.

“I was a boutique thief, I never robbed anyone who’d be left with nothing”, she told me recently. “Morgain, there is no honor among thieves, I’ve never seen it. But I never stole from someone who’d be left with nothing. I stole from the rich.”

Detectives were searching the house on a regular basis and Mom got arrested for grand theft, robbery and insurance fraud. Meanwhile, New York State had several warrants out for her and was trying to extradite her back.

My sisters were done. They decided to move back to upstate New York and break free from Mom, but I couldn’t. For years, we had been raised on a roller coaster ride of torched houses, cross country road trips, international hotel rooms, run down motels, a gunfight, foreign authorities, Australian game shows, addiction and madness.

After Mom posted bail on Hilton Head, my sisters had already left and I was alone with her. Mom presented me with a new plan. We were going to start a new life in England. I knew how sick she was, but I couldn’t leave her. She had already programmed me to protect her.

In England, I started going to a posh school in Kensington and started hanging out with my friends. I tried to stay away from home as much as possible. While I was at school, Mom had started doing some very bad things and ended up in Holloway Women’s Prison, in London. The detectives confiscated my passport and I was trapped in London, homeless for the rest of the winter.

After Mom escaped from her bail hostel in Oxford, we left England in the night. From there, our journey took us to Spain, France and back to the United States-which escalated into a FBI manhunt and America’s Most Wanted.

Provence

For years, we were raised on a roller coaster ride of torched houses, cross country road trips, international hotel rooms, run down motels, a gunfight, foreign authorities, Australian game shows, drug and alcohol abuse, a Parisian dungeon, French nuns, a house chicken and madness.

The Travelling Roadshow of the Countess Maritsa a story about the American dream unraveling.

As the Internet age came upon her, Mom was caught just before her segment on “America’s Most Wanted” aired, and she was sent to Federal prison for several years. One detective in Fort Bend, Texas thought she was affiliated with the notorious “Irish Travelers” band of gypsies, but nothing has ever been proven.

The Countess

Ashbourne Tutors , The Phone Call


 

Songs for Little People. [With illustrations by H. Stratton.]

 

There are no heroes in this story. If you are looking for a happy ending where everyone ends up okay; stop reading this now.
 The tingling was leaving my fingers and my toes were warming up; I was beginning to thaw out.  I had to get up off the radiator; it was almost dark and there was no place to go and I had run out of options. I couldn’t even visit Mom at the prison until tomorrow.

 

Everything was closed or closing and the snowstorm was too cold to walk in. I had to figure something out fast.
 The radiator hissed in the corner like a friendly teapot and I had been sitting on it for while and was reluctant to leave my warm spot but I had to call Aunt Erin and get help before the school closed. The kids were all leaving their classes and going home, going to the cafe with friends, going to the library to study, going to the tube station to go home to their safe bedrooms and homes with parents who cared about them and cared about where they were.

There was a phone on the desk was by the art class, and the art teacher had a reputation for being cool. I think she knew what was going on with my situation, but she never gave me the worried look the other teachers gave me. Her class was empty and I think she was puttering back in her art studio but hopefully she wouldn’t hear me call my aunt. If I ever made it out of this, I was going to putter around too.

 

 

The coast was clear, the classrooms were empty and it was quiet, I could call Aunt Erin and nobody would hear my shame.
 I picked up the phone to dial. Aunt Erin’s company had an 800 number and I pressed zero to get to an international operator.
 “Hi, can you please dial an eight hundred number for me?” The American operator had a twang in her voice and the line was kind of fuzzy and she sounded far away.

I thought about the telephone cables under the black and cold ocean that separated England from The United States and how far away my sisters were. I waited and heard the clicks until she put me through and then asked the operator at my family’s office to put me through to their house.
 I had barely spoken with anyone in my family since I busted my little sister Erin (named after Aunt Erin) from foster care here after the cops arrested mom at our house in the country.

 

I took my little sister straight to Heathrow after I sprung her from temporary foster care. We had no family here that could help us. They were all back in the States. I took her to the airport as fast as I could so they couldn’t take her passport and make her stay here too to testify against my mom. Then we’d both be homeless.
 Little Erin was living with our eighteen year old sister Katie in New York and had a return ticket back home. My oldest sister Meagan lived near them and was waitressing and putting herself through community college. I should have gone with them. I had made a terrible mistake coming here with mom.

 

I was the only one who came with Mom to England to start a new life again. A fresh start. We were going to do it this time. All of my sisters had stayed behind in the states and moved back to upstate New York after what happened on Hilton Head.
Mom had bought Erin a plane ticket for Christmas to come to England and was trying to convince her to move to England and live with us when she got arrested and taken to Holloway. They arrested me too but let me go when my school told them I was in class when the crimes were committed.
The day after Christmas, cops came to our house out in the country and raided it. Later on we found out that while I was at school and trying to convince myself that Mom had turned over a new leaf; she had been robbing manor houses and selling the antiques she had stolen.
I knew something was up, but not sure. It always made me nervous and uneasy when I was happy and things were quiet at home because I knew from experience that it wouldn’t last. Mom always ruined it.  But this time she had credit cards with her name on them and I thought we were living on money from when her father died five months earlier. I knew it was too good to be true. Nothing happy and stable with mom ever lasted.

 

As soon as we moved to England and I started school, I stayed away from Mom and the house she rented and spent it at school with my new friends. I’d go to the library or to their houses after school and I’d stay there as much as I could. I liked to see how normal teenagers my age lived and I hated going home to Mom. She had rented a huge house in the country, an hour and a half out from London and there was no reason to go there; it was mostly an empty house and I stayed in my room anyway. After everything that had happened in the States, I just didn’t like being around her anymore.
 I was spending so much time at school and in London; I didn’t care what she was doing anymore.

 

I was enjoying my freedom from her.  I could take the train into the city and go to school and could stay away until almost the last train ran back. We had started to get into fights when I got home because she said I was never home anymore and didn’t want to be around her.
 I didn’t really have a plan, but I knew I wanted to get away from Mom and live my life. She ruined her own life and she ruined anyone who was near her. It was only a matter of time before she did something terrible, again.

 I didn’t know how to escape from Mom. She had programmed me to take care of her and protect her, and I was trying to deprogram myself, but I didn’t know how.
I didn’t know what was normal anymore.

 

Aunt Erin would give me an answer or some encouragement or some ideas of what to do. I needed a friend and needed to talk to someone who knew Mom’s history and how dangerous she was.
 Aunt Erin picked up. “Hello?” She sounded weak and tired. I burst into tears. It was good to hear a family member’s voice.
 “Aunt Erin?? It’s Morgain..I’m so sorry..I need help..”I was babbling now.
I needed someone to talk to who knew how crazy mom was. Aunt Erin had seen my mom arrested a dozen times, she knew how bad it was. She lived with us until I was about four. She knew.
 “Morgain, I just had a baby a week ago and I’m a mess. I don’t know if I can help you.” She wasn’t very friendly and seemed angry.
 I had forgotten that she was a mom now and just had a baby.
 “Look, I’m sorry but they took my passport so I can’t leave, I don’t have any money or a place to stay and I need help. It’s so cold outside. I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t know anyone else to call.” I was rambling again. “I’m calling you from the school, all of my friend’s parents have tried to help but they’re freaked out and they want to know where my family is. Mom scares the shit out of them and the whole school knows she’s wanted all over in the States. I don’t know what to do.” I was heaving and breathing and trying to regulate my breath.

 

She spoke very quietly. “Morgain, I can’t help you until you tell me where the ring is that you stole.”
 I was stunned. “What?” I whispered. “What?” I repeated.
 “The ring you stole from Aunt Peggy’s house. I am not sending you a goddamned dime until you tell me where it is and where you sold it.” She was angry now.
 I started crying and stammering again, “I haven’t seen Aunt Peggy since we stayed at her house, when I was fifteen and we were on the way to Australia when Mom was on the game show. I never stole her wedding ring! Why would you think I would do something like that?!”
I thought for a minute and then remembered that I had seen Aunt Peggy in L.A five months earlier at the funeral, just for a day.
 “Wait a minute….Wait… I saw her at Grandpa’s funeral five months ago and she never said anything and we used her station wagon and did errands! She never said anything to me then! Why didn’t she say anything to me then?? I love Aunt Peggy, I’d never do something like that!” I would never steal from anyone, especially Aunt Peggy.
 Her daughter little Peggy was my best friend.

 

Whenever I went to a new school and someone asked me who my best friend was, besides my little sister, I would say “my cousin Peggy!” because she was and I knew that we would always be family and best friends. Little Peggy had always been my friend when I had none and whenever I was in a new school, I thought of her and how much fun we had at her house and that she would always be my friend so I never felt alone.
 Mom and I went to their house in the Valley for her father’s wake about five months ago, the previous August when my grandfather died. But Mom and I stayed in a hotel near her and were about to start our new life in England. We were only in L.A for a few days and we only went to the funeral and then we went to Aunt Peggy’s house for the wake. Then we went to England to start a new life.
They were all tense at Grandpa’s funeral in L.A, but that was normal because we were never a real family in any sense of the word “family”.
Family gatherings were tense because they all knew how bad it was for us.  Aunt Peggy was cautious around us, because Mom was awful to her and had been for most of her life. Aunt Peggy was great with kids and loved kids, but with us, she smiled a grim, tight smile and she seem relieved when she waved from the front door as were driving away, like she had seen a huge tornado and it had just barely missed her house and family. We were a problem too big for anyone to bear.

When I was in the 6th grade, we lived in a motel on Sepulveda for a few months and it was 3 miles from her house and we never saw her. For two months we lived in a dark and dirty motel room in a terrible area and my aunt, father and grandfather all lived nearby. Nobody ever came to visit or to save us from Mom.
 I should’ve went with my sisters when they left Hilton Head to go back, but I didn’t want to go. It was freezing and up in the middle of the woods in the Adirondack’s. We had already moved away once from Upstate to get away from the cold and poverty there.

 

Mom had promised me that we were only moving one more time; to a fresh start and going to use the money her dad left her to start over in England. Deep down I think I knew it was bullshit but I was sixteen and wanted to believe her. I needed a mom and was in denial. I didn’t know where else to go, my dad was abusive and I had seen him hit my mom, I didn’t want to live with him at all.

I didn’t want to move in with my Dad because he was a drunk and a mean one and also violent towards women.  I had seen my father while we were in L.A for the funeral; but only briefly. The time I’d seen him before that, on the way back from Australia, he tried to throw my mom over a balcony at his ranch while trying to strangle her and the police came and broke them up.

The freezing snow was coming down faster and I waited for Aunt Erin to speak.

I should’ve moved in with my friend Amy’s parents and stayed on Hilton Head and listened when they offered me a way out. I should’ve taken that scholarship to Hilton Head Prep when the school offered me one. I should’ve stayed on Hilton Head with people who cared about me and had offered me a way out.

At the wake for my grandfather at Aunt Peggy’s house, she never said anything to me about her wedding ring missing and she let mom use her station wagon for us to go do errands. I remember mom wanting to use her car again before we left; and she said no, but Aunt Peggy never said anything to me about a ring missing or anything being stolen.

“It’s not her wedding ring. It’s another kind of ring.” She spoke again, “Morgain, right before you guys all went to Australia, Uncle Tim was taking a nap and saw you in their room and saw you take something off their dresser and when he woke up you ran out of the room.”
Aunt Erin was was pleading with me. “Just tell me where you sold it and I can help you. We need to get it back, please, Morgain, just tell me where it is.” I could her her crying.
 I was shocked. But then again, I remembered how Mom’s family acted every time we came around. They were always angry and upset and uncomfortable because they knew we were abused and neglected and it made them feel bad. But not bad enough to call child protective services and save us from the madwoman.

 

“Aunt Erin, the only time I ever was in their room was to get some fancy Làncome makeup off her dresser because her daughter told me to go in there and get it for her. She told me not to wake her dad up from a nap. I swear. I wouldn’t do something like that. I’ve been working since I was fourteen. I’m not HER!!!”
 They thought I was just like her.
 That’s why they didn’t care I was homeless. I remembered that day perfectly. We were visiting Aunt Peggy’s right before we went to Australia.
It was easier for them to dehumanize me. Otherwise they would have to step in and help me. It’s easier for them to tell themselves I’m worthless.

 

I remembered the day I got the fancy Lancôme makeup out of Aunt Peggy’s room for my cousin.
 Mom was wanted all over in New York state so when the offer came to her to be a return champion on a game show called “Sale of The Century” in Melbourne; it was a stroke of weird luck for her. She had been a big winner in Los Angeles, back in 1984.
 Little Peggy and I were the same age and getting ready to go out and meet boys and I remember we were doing our makeup and hair and I wished to God more than anything to have a bedroom like my cousin’s and a mom who was a teacher who kept a job and home and the cops never kicked the door in.
 I loved Aunt Peggy’s bedroom. She had a little screen hole cut out for the cats to come in and out and her whole room smelled like Yardley of London roses and Crabtree and Evelyn. Aunt Peggy’s bedroom was the only place that ever stayed the same.
I started sobbing again. Aunt Erin wasn’t going to be the hero. She couldn’t be the hero. There were no more heroes left. Only people that hated my mom and the people who thought I was like her.
 “I swear to God, I don’t know where it is but I do know you have to be eighteen to pawn anything, I was fifteen then!! You can’t pawn anything when you are underage; they won’t let you!!” I was angry now too.
 I knew this because I tried to pawn something when I was sixteen in South Carolina the year earlier, to bail my mom out of jail there and the Pawnbroker turned me away and got livid and wanted to know what kind of fucked up parent would make their sixteen year old kid pawn something to bail them out of jail.

 

“I’ve never stolen anything from Aunt Peggy, I swear.” I was sobbing and babbling again.
I looked outside. It was pitch black and the snow was furiously coming down in the glow of the streetlights when I looked outside the windows. Down on the street, it was empty. Nobody was outside.
 Aunt Erin seemed satisfied that I was telling her the truth. “Calm down, it’s okay. I’m going to send you money. I have to go, I’m exhausted.” She said.
I could hear a baby crying.
 “Oh thank you, thank you!!” Maybe I could rent a room somewhere until Mom’s court date, I think it was a few weeks away. And then I could figure out how to find a way out of this and get away from Mom.
 “I’ll send you $200 pounds, go to Western Union, it’ll be there.” She said.
 “Thank you Aunt Erin, thank you.” I whispered in a shaky breath.

I put the phone down and suddenly I realized that Aunt Erin had never brought up my mom in the conversation or that Mom was in Holloway Women’s Prison right now for theft.
She never mentioned her felon sister who had been in and out of jails for theft for the last twenty five years. My mother bullied both her sisters; and even when she was in prison, they were still scared of confronting her.

 

Why they found it easier to blame me didn’t matter; it was pitch black outside and fifteen degrees and the school was closing. I needed to find a place to sleep.
 The $200 pounds she was sending would be gone quickly if I wasn’t smart; even if I could even find a cheap hotel in London that would rent me a room. Then I realized I couldn’t get a hotel room because I had no ID and wasn’t eighteen yet. The cops had taken my passport because they wanted me to stay in England and testify against my mom.

 

I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket. On it was a phone number my mother had given to me the last time I saw her at the prison. I didn’t want to call it but now it was my only option.
 It was the phone number of Mom’s cellmate’s daughter. She had given the number to Mom to give it to me in case I was ever desperate and needed a safe place to sleep. She had told mom that her daughter and I were the same age.
 I picked up the phone again to call the number, the daughter’s name was Amanda.

 

My fingers were shaking again and someone had started to turn off the lights in the classrooms. The school was closing.
 I dialed the number and then someone picked up.

“‘Ello?” It was a girl with a thick cockney accent. I heard hip hop music in the background.
 “Hi Amanda, Uhhh… this is Morgain, I’m so sorry to bother you but I’m in a really bad place. I’m calling you from my school right now and they’re closing. Your mom and my mom are cellmates at Holloway and your mom said maybe I could crash with you for a few days until I can find a place to stay?” I held my breath.
 Her end was silent.

 

She finally spoke. “Oy, you’re American?”
 I laughed a little. “Yes. I am.” My breath was shaky.
 “What kind of music do you like?” She asked me.
 “Anything that doesn’t make me sad.” I told her.
 “Hahaha…okay, meet me at Holloway tomorrow in the visitors’ waiting room at Noon and we can make a plan. You can stay for a few days and we’ll see how it goes. Do you have a place to sleep tonight?”
 She told me her address and it was pretty far from where I was. I thought of my friend that lived near me, near the school.
 “Ummm, Yes, I think I can find a place at my friend Hannah’s tonight. ” I said.
 “Okay, good,” she said, “See you tomorrow. I’ll be with a man named Mr. Darby, he’s me mum’s lawyer.” She hung up.
 I started sobbing again. It was a mix of gratitude and relief. I had a place to sleep. She was a girl my age and we had something in common. I had made a friend.

I called my other friend Hannah from my rich kid school. She lived nearby and her mom said I could stay one night at her place, but only for one night and I’d have to leave the next day. She told me her Mom was terrified of my situation and didn’t want any part of this.

 

Tomorrow, I’d go to the prison and meet Amanda and see my mom and we’d figure out a plan. For a split second, the terror in my whole being subsided a bit. It was going to be okay.
As I trudged out of the doorway from my old school into the freezing night air, I thought about the woman who I had never met who was in a prison cell, sleeping next to my mom in Holloway. She had made sure I had a warm and safe place to stay.
Maybe there was one hero in this story.

Mojave Phoenix (For Sylvia)


Desert flower rocks

You can be happy
or you can be right
my sister told me
about wanting to win
one dark night
A housewife mantra
to get though the day

But later
after the deaths
and the poisons
and my outrage
her mantra washed over me
like the Mojave

You have to respect 
anything
that survives 
in the desert
my father told me

The searing white sky of noon
flashed light milky blue
Like Lazarus winking
The old one-eyed cat
who stared at me
from under the house
and who’ll survive us all

The mountain range
dry and still
as a rusty dustbowl handsaw
left behind on the horizon
to orient the Van Nuys pilots
who buzz by
racing their small gasoline
lawnmowers of the sky

The wind 
scatters my old scales
over scorched earth
little parts of me

flaked off, blown about
this no mans land
Lot’s wife awakening
Flakes of stone

flakes of gold

flakes of silver
baked off
brushed off
scrubbed off
raw new skin exposed

underneath the cracked sage
and bleached pavement
gathering dew
from cool spots and quiet shelters

When the purple evening finally comes
the crickets under the sage and chaparral
tune up in their ancient amour
and they start to sing to me.

 

Harvest Moon Date at Aroma Cafe


Harvest Moon, Monte Sereno, California
Photographer; Jim Messer

A beautiful night to get annihilated on expectations.

Good looking strangers, see how they think, what could be negotiated.

Allergies? Pets? Ex-wives? Kids? How many? Wait, four kids? Really?

The deal breakers.

In the name of love and companionship, but really, the desire for sex.

Move closer and learn something of each other. Even from a humanistic point of view.

And, if you’re really lucky, a spark.

But the beer commercials lied to both of us, baby.