Plenty Of Fools

“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” Tony Montana

Online dating is somewhat like walking into a new school when you’re in the 7th grade, and it’s lunchtime. Find a place to sit in the Cafeteria, by yourself. Wait for a bit while everyone stares at you. Try not to cry or run. Show no fear, they smell fear.

If you’ve never had to go online and date, consider yourself sheltered and very blessed to have someone you love romantically in your life. Don’t ever break up. Because I promise, meeting new men from a computer profile picture and then in person (to potentially date and have sex with) is totally awkward and new to humans, socially.

This is the first time in history when men and women had a catalog at their fingertips to scroll for potential mates and see what kind of arrangement on this electronic pick-a-mate automat can get you. It’s worse than arranged marriage, because you’re in charge and if you screw up, there’s nobody else to blame.

My sister met her husband in the 90’s. These were the good old days of dating services, where you actually went into a center and went through books of pictures and people. You were there because you were serious enough about dating that you were willing to drive to an office and look at profiles of guys. The center took pictures of you, so you looked like your picture. Photoshop wasn’t available to the public yet. These men were serious about finding a girlfriend.

  My sister’s future husband was a chemical engineer and she was a writer for a newspaper and worked the midnight shift. They crossed paths because of a dating service and they make each other very happy. They are both cute, smart, funny and of the same attractiveness. They suit each other. They never would have met, they were in totally different fields and have been married for sixteen years and have beautiful little hippie children.  True love is possible, if you are ready to date your own kind. Water seeks its own level.

I’ve been on a lot of dates in the last few months. I can get in and out in under 45 minutes now. After about a year and a half of online dating sites and seeing what’s out there, I’ve realized that most people are delusional. I think people should date in their attractiveness, education & class range.  Some disagree, but people seek what they know. If you are wealthy in Los Angeles, the rules change a little in your favor, but caveat emptor. You get what you pay for.

Internet dating is now a beat-up low cost party bus at 3am. It’s a hybrid of Craigslist, Facebook and a bad meat market dance club circa 1996. The fat/unattractive guys want hot chicks. The hot guys want the other hot guys. The really hot straight guys are already gone and making out with three girls. The hot girls want a sponsor. The normal girls want a normal guy, but normal guys have been raised on the beer myth and don’t want normal women. They say they do, but they don’t. They want a hot chick who’s not going to use them as an ATM machine. Good luck, homie. This is L.A.

What is the beer myth? The beer myth is the mantra that Carl’s Jr., Maxim Magazine, Budweiser and most advertising companies have been promoting since advertising began.

 “Average men deserve a beautiful woman. If you drink our beer, buy our clothes, car or eat our five dollar burgers, you will get one. If you buy it, they will come.”

Somewhere, deep down, men feel defrauded. Where is this hot chick they were promised? She was supposed to show up at the drive through after he bought the burger, she wasn’t in the beer aisle or at the car dealership when he bought the Audi.

He sees her everywhere, on bill boards, organic food ads, surf shops, swimsuit covers, at the mall and in magazines. The cute, quirky, approachable one? She’s a model, dude. Then he sees are normal women who haven’t been photoshopped. That’s not normal to him. They are too ugly for beer myth man.

Then, beer myth man looks in the mirror and realizes that he’s not rich enough for a model. So, the struggle to make money is on. There is a reason why the movie Scarface is so popular with men. Women quote a lot of movies, but mostly men quote Scarface. They understand him.

Los Angeles is full of couples who don’t suit each other. At all. If you are dating a beautiful woman here and you are not cute or about the same attractiveness, chances are that you are offering her something in exchange for her beauty. Same goes for you too, Cougars.

I saw an elderly woman with a Jennifer Anniston tan and a big hunk of a diamond ring hanging all over a gorgeous young guy at Trader Joe’s. She was buying them groceries and lot of booze. Morals and decency aren’t big in this town. Grandma had highlights and her hand on this young boy’s ass.

Look around you. I was a waitress from the time I was fourteen until I was thirty four. I’ve seen a lot of couples come and go in the restaurants & bars all over the United States. Humans date to their own attractiveness. It’s biology. Anybody who tells you otherwise is lying to you or to themselves.

If you see an old, short, hard-eyed, vicious looking man in a nice suit with a really pretty girl, it’s normal in this town, but I never could get used to it. It’s weird to see a young girl with an older guy. Pretty girls in small towns don’t go out with old men, they go out with their cute boyfriends from college.

Why would a 23 year old go out with a crusty lawyer whose ex-wife hates him? It’s not because he’s fantastic in the sack or suave or whatever else he wants to tell himself. She is dating him because she thinks his money will provide safety. Pretty women aren’t gold diggers because they’re heartless bitches, pretty women date rich guys because they provide safety and a nice life.  Money equals safety. The dickhead lawyer isn’t a bad guy for wanting a beautiful woman, he’s dating her because he bought the beer myth. He got tricked too. He thinks beauty will bring him happiness and the approval of other men.

Internet dating makes you ask yourself questions you hadn’t thought of before. Do you want to date a guy with kids? Do you even want kids? Do you really? If you’re in your mid to late thirties, guys assume you will want to have them soon.  How old are you willing to go? Are you willing to blow a 55 year old man?  Are you into interracial dating? What about guys from different parts of the world who now live in L.A? Do you want to date guys from Eastern Europe?

You know that women always end up moving to where the dude is from. Do you really want to move in with his whole family in Croatia? Can you find Croatia on a map? It makes you realize how many people are in the world. There are a lot of people in the world. A lot.

Today I got an email from a guy who really likes my profile & wants to meet me. I think he forgot we already went out on a date a year ago. On our date at a trendy restaurant on Abbot Kinney, over Paella, he told me he used to make out “and more!” with his cousin. He didn’t see anything wrong with fucking his first cousin, occasionally. He was from Florida.

I think it’s a good policy to not make out or fuck anybody you’d consider family.  For me, family is off limits, you have to see these people at weddings and funerals. My uncle gave me and my sisters a solid piece of advice when he told us, “Don’t date anybody at work and anybody who lives in your apartment complex.” Solid. Advice.

 After posting on Facebook about this, a guy friend of mine said it wouldn’t really matter if it was a second or third cousin. Our society has forced men to consider their 2nd or 3rd cousins instead of having to face the world of Internet dating.

The problem is that on online dating sites are free, except for Match.com and a lot of guys sign up on the sly, even when they have a girlfriend, or wife. They have nothing to lose. Some guys have no picture up, but tell you that they’ll email you a picture privately. This means they are married or have a serious girlfriend and don’t want their girlfriend’s friends to see them online. Do not date any guy that doesn’t have a picture up already. It means he is a cheater or is hiding his face from public for a reason. It won’t end well, I promise.

I have been invited to three ways, four ways, and been asked out on dates with with wife’s blessing. Apparently some wives let their husbands “play”. Right.

After reading a profile from a somewhat cute assistant director ramble on about he only wants to date thin women and only thin women (he was very serious about this, no fatties, nobody size 10 or over) I realized what the problem is. The reason why dating is so hard in L.A is because nobody wants to settle. People want to trade up. Nobody wants to date someone who’s struggling with the normality of life too. When is the prince/princess coming?  The guys are afraid of missing out on the hot chick that is going to show up. Because she’s coming soon, the commercials said so.